Fabulous Fair Part 1

So we spent much of Saturday at the Iowa State Fair. The Fair is the quintessential Iowa event: EVERYONE goes to the Fair. Those in Iowa who are able to and choose to abstain are not real Iowans. Many people go multiple times over the eleven days of the fair. Case in point: although it was almost 100 degrees on Saturday, there were over 100,000 humans at the Fair. That, no joke, is almost half of Des Moines. Apparently, 400 pound people riding Rascals and lugging around oxygen tanks are not deterred by 100 degree weather with 80% humidity. And damn it, don't stop your scooter right in front of me so you can watch some guy shill Magic Bullets, because I'm going to kick your oxygen tank.

Anyway, on to the Fair! Chris was a first-time attendee, and he humored my requests to relive my childhood. Above is a picture of me with all the corn being shown at the Fair. People raise different fruits and veggies and flowers and bring them to the Fair to see whose is the best. I stood by the blue-ribbon one so the East Indian people near me would think it was mine.

This is Chris and an ostrich. Strikingly similar.

This is the biggest bull at the fair. He weighed over 3,000 pounds. This is the sign on his pen. People line up for this shit, I swear.

The people watching was great, although we didn't take pictures of the Hoosiers, because, unlike the boar or the bull, they are not in cages and may retaliate by beating someone over the head with a turkey leg. We saw one woman, who was younger than me, with her baby's face tattooed on her upper thigh. Um, judging by this woman, she's either going to blow up from years of corn dogs and tator tots or get really skinny from years of meth use, so either way, that weird Gerberish baby face on your thigh is going to be distorted in no time at all. I also saw an early-20's woman with a cursive "Daddy's Little Girl" tramp stamp. The jorts were errwhere.

Here's what you've been waiting for: the biggest boar's balls. He weighed over 1,000 pounds, all disgusting. Again, people line up for this shit.

More highlights from the Fair to follow after I take a shower. I went with Banter to Atomic Cowboy to watch Devlin's Kids (wearing Imo's T-Shirts, Dos Dedos, and The Disappeared put on a little rock show, which was OUTSIDE, so I personally rocked a sweatstache the entire time. It was laid back, probably because it was Sunday and OUTSIDE, but I got to talk to my friend Eric, the guitarist for Dos Dedos, for a long time, which was awesome since we haven't hung out in a while. Anyway, I got sweaty and that ain't cool right now at 11AM on my last weekday of sleeping in, so I gots to shower.

1 comment:

Dan & V said...

Oh my shitballs. Absoultely belly laughed reading this. High Five for Rural America. Love it!