Fake Football Widow

Being preoccupied with other things, I was mentally unprepared when Chris woke up giddy at the thought of watching football ALL DAY! For those of you who do not live with a fantasy football addict, Sunday is the biggest day of the week. There are usually three games televised, at around 12, 3, and 6. Commercials are punctuated by frantic dashes upstairs to the computer to check the statistics of Chris's fantasy teams, also known as his fake football teams, a trademark of the Sports Gal.

I will say this: usually, Chris refuses to leave the house on Sundays in the fall. Today, however, he did go to brunch at Mokabe's with me and our friends the Keeter family, walk Asher with me, and he did, at halftime of the Bears/Chargers game, go to the video store with me. This is extremely rare. The trip to the video store was actually an exercise in futility because we cannot possibly WATCH the videos we rented. We must watch football. I cannot watch the videos upstairs without Chris, because he likes to watch videos together.

We cannot pause the football game using handy Tivo, and then watch parts of, say, and episode from the second season of Weeds, and then return to the game. Although this way, you can fast-forward through the commercials, then we are not watching it "as it happens", even though he has no other outside influences (unless he uses the aforementioned computer) to spoil what happened during the four or five minutes he might be behind, it is unacceptable to delay the viewing any longer than the FCC delays it.

During said commercials, which are, for the most part, idiotic, they usually return to the game with an extended close-up of a cheerleader with gigantic cleavage. It's as if the production team just wants to really stick it to the wives and girlfriends of America. "Hey, we know we are monopolizing your Sunday time with your partner, time that could be spent doing something meaningful or productive, but you know what? We're going to put some titties in their face while we're doing it!" Fuck you, Fox Sports. I already hated your News division, now I hate your sports.


Geoff said...


I love fantasy football and Fox News. Maybe if you get a team, you will see how it can run your life for 17 consecutive weeks. It's great. Try it.

...Banter said...

you can ask kendal about being married to a fantasy baseball fanatic. i'd imagine it may suck more considering baseball lasts roughly 8 months of the year. which, as far as i'm concerned, isn't long enough.

KBO said...

Oh, Chris is a fantasy baseball fanatic, but it doesn't seem so bad because 1)he does it in bits and pieces, it doesn't consume one who day per week, and 2)baseball is mostly during the summer when we have a lot of free time. During the school year, we only get two days off a week, so I'm pissed that one of them is spent on fake football and the league of dorks.

Geoff--those are two reasons why it was never true love between us.

Oh, and you are both DORKS.

Ansley Corliss said...

I feel your pain....hence the somewhat staged and reluctant 'no' from Josh when Chris asked him to join another league. He gets one league, if he wants another one he needs to do all the laundry:)

shannon said...

well, i'm a hockey widow, and the blues aren't even good....ooo, that does not matter.