Hills Confessional

I have a confession to make: I secretly love MTV's The Hills.

I know, I know. Why would I watch something so obviously staged, so vapid, so clearly against almost everything I know to be true? I KNOW!

But I can't stop. I watch it on my laptop because MTV is so kind and generous to post entire episodes online for free. Like free samples of crack for the cheeldren.

What is it about this show? It is Spencer, the douchiest douche that ever douched, and Heidi, a person whose sole ambition in life is to be a manufactured piece of famous poo, and their fake, so-desperately-Newlyweds-bastard-wannabe showmance? The fact that she parades her new foobs around in "candid" "paparazzi" photos of her and Spencer candidly! chillin! on the beach. We're so famous, we just can't escape the cameras! That she's trying to parlay her ex-friend's reality television success into a pop career, complete with shitty, shitty lip-synching debut in a club while her boo raises the roof behind her. What about her PR job that she's so "passionate" about? What about her famewhore boss who promoted her strictly because she's on an MTV show, not because she's competent at anything, and she didn't expect her coworkers to mind. Hell no!

Yes, I read Perez. Yes, I read Pink is the New Blog. I also save kids every day, so suck it. I will read my gossip shamelessly right before I read Mandela and right after I finish my fat paper.

Or could it be Audrina? There's just something about her vacant eyes, her substance-free conversations where her chief contribution is to nod and agree or say, "I know, right?" What about her on-again, off-again romance with the mysterious Justin-Bobby? I bet those two have some deep conversations. Dude's name is Justin-Bobby. For real? Who would have thought there would be two dudes more fucking lame than K-Fed in one half-hour reality show? Certainly not I!

I don't really mind Lauren. I don't. Sweet life for her: born into wealth, randomly cast on some "reality" show that ends up making her hella famous. She's still working, even if it's at an internship, so good for her. But she hangs out with all these fools, so something must be wrong with her. Maybe she just likes hanging out with stupid people. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed D-lister is king.

But I do like Lo. I love me some Lo. And I love Whitney, who seems like an actual real person. And maybe what I like about The Hills is I will never feel bad for talking shit about it. Ever. Because vapid famewhore deserve all the schadenfreude they can get, and since I can't call the ten-year-olds on Kid Nation tools without feeling bad, and those famewhores are making mo' money and having mo' fun that I get to, just for being worthless, I will bring the snark.